


My name is Philip. I am a poet...

by minervajeanlupin



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex and John are dating, Alex and Philip aren't don't worry, Alex is a lawyer, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Boyfriends, But not medically accurate, Established Relationship, Gay Jokes, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, John is a biologist, John loves turtles, Kink Shaming, M/M, Medical Terms, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Philip is a cinnamon roll, Philip is a part of John, Philip is a poet, Poor John, Schizophrenia, Secrets, Sort of? It's never really said, this fic is all over the place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-01-31 15:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12684522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minervajeanlupin/pseuds/minervajeanlupin
Summary: Alex doesn't know how his life manages to be so problematic all the time. One moment, he's cuddling with his boyfriend, as usual. The next, his boyfriend is claiming to be a six year old named Philip who seems to look at Alex as a sort of father figure.John is very clearly hiding a secret. But how can Alex help him if he doesn't even know what it is?(Not medically accurate. At all.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nackledamia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nackledamia/gifts).



> This was inspired by one of [nackledamia's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/nackledamia/pseuds/nackledamia) fics. Check them out, they're a really great writer! This fic is exploring some concepts I've never really approached in any of my previous writing, so I'm very sorry if any part of this story offends anyone. If it does, please let me know and I'll change it immediately. Thank you! Also, please leave kudos or a comment if you're enjoying the story so far, as they're really encouraging and help me to find the motivation to write.

Alex first noticed the change on a chilly winter day when he and John were cuddling next with each other, watching cheesy romance movies that they both claimed they hated but secretly enjoyed.

In hindsight, he should have noticed something was wrong a lot earlier. There were days where John would disappear into his room and Alex would barely see barely see him and when he finally emerged from his room he would act strangely for a few hours. Alex had just assumed that his stress-addled brain was making something up to try and convince him to take a break from all his work. He _was_ extremely busy. Still, that was no excuse and he completely blamed himself now for not realizing something had changed a lot sooner.

But anyway. Alex didn’t know any of this as he put an arm around John and pulled him closer during an especially boring part at the movie.

“How’s work been going?” he asked his boyfriend, not caring much about the montage of the woman getting ready for her big date playing on the screen.

“It’s been going pretty well,” John responded. He was a wildlife biologist as he loved animals. “We’re going to be researching turtles soon, so I’m looking forward to that.”

“That’s great!” Alex said. He knew how much his boyfriend loved turtles; the printed socks were kind of a big giveaway.

“How about you?” John asked, turning away from the screen where the woman was now trying on different dresses while her friends watched and commented on each one.

“Well, I’ve just gotten a new case,” Alex began. He was a lawyer, one of the best and the youngest in the city. “It’s a bit heartbreaking, really, as it’s about children who have been abused by their parents… if they don’t win this case, then I’ll have lost all hope in humanity.”

“That’s terrible,” John said softly. Both of them could be brash at times, but they were both kind people who hated imagining others being hurt. Alex made a small noise in affirmation and turned back to watch the movie.

John soon moved closer to Alex and buried his head in Alex’s oversized sweatshirt. He removed his hair tie and his curly hair bounced out of place. Alex chuckled and stroked his head.

“Are you tired?” he asked. “You should probably get more rest. And yes, I do know that makes me a hypocrite.” John raised his head. His eyes seemed a bit brighter and blanker, probably from being tired, Alex thought. He smiled at Alex curiously and sleepily.

“What’s a hypocrite?” he asked, his voice seeming a bit more childish and playful than before. Jeez, how tired was he?

“You know what a hypocrite is,” Alex said, a bit confused. Maybe John’s sleep-addled brain couldn’t process words correctly. John smiled at him innocently and shrugged.

“Okay, whatever you say daddy,” he said without any change in his face. Alex almost choked.

“You’re into that?” he asked. “I never knew you were into that.” John’s attention had been caught by the television screen and he turned to look at it.

“Ew, kissing,” he said, scrunching his nose in apparent distaste.

“Okay, I think we should both go to sleep. I’m not sure if I’m hallucinating in my sleep deprived state, or you’re just acting weird in _your_ sleep deprived state, or if it’s both, so let’s both just go to bed,” Alex said. John pouted, which he had never done before in front of Alex.

“I don’t want to take a nap though! I’m not tired,” he said like a petulant child. Alex shook his head, flummoxed.

“Just go to sleep. Please, John?” he asked, unsure how to act around John now. John sighed.

“Fine. Also, who’s John?” John said in that same childish voice. Alex froze.

“What’s your name then?” he dared to ask. John, or whoever the hell it was, beamed.

“Philip!” he cried in a happy, innocent voice that Alex had never heard him use before.

“And how old are you?” Alex asked in almost a whisper, terrified as to what was about to happen. John (or Philip?) thought for about it for a while then slowly held up six fingers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short, it's been really hard to find the time to write with all the homework I'm getting. I hope you guys enjoy this! Please leave kudos or a comment if you do!

“I just don’t understand,” Alex said desperately to the doctor. “The second he woke up he was back to normal and couldn’t even remember anything he had done. And I thought it might be a joke, but John would never be able to keep a straight face through all that. Nothing about him is straight!”

“Calm down, please, Mr. Hamilton,” the doctor said. Alex was the antithesis of calm. There were even bigger shadows under his eyes than usual as he had been too terrified and confused to sleep even after John had, and there seemed to be more stress lines etched on his fairly young face. His clothes were rumpled as he hadn’t bothered to change and had gone to the doctor’s office first thing in the morning after ensuring that John was back to normal and would be able to survive if he left him alone for twenty minutes.

“Do you know what’s wrong with him?” Alex asked desperately.

“It seems that Mr. Laurens’ personality changes into that of a child who is- how old did he say he was?” the doctor asked. 

“Six,” Alex said. “And he said his name was Philip.” The doctor nodded. 

“Yes, this seems to happen when he is emotionally overloaded in some way. Think back to the incident. Was there anything out of the ordinary that could trigger such a response in him?” Alex thought back to the day. His memories were a bit fuzzy with the shock of what had happened with John, but he couldn’t recall anything particularly out of the ordinary before John had started acting weird (or at least weirder than usual). He shook his head.

“Well, try to figure what’s wrong as soon as possible,” The doctor encouraged. “And try your best not to reveal what’s happening to Mr. Laurens. It might get worse if he becomes aware of this… condition.” Alex promised to try his hardest to act normally around John. After thanking the doctor profusely for all his help, (despite what Eliza said, he  _ could _ be civil when he wanted to. He just didn’t want to a lot) Alex drove back home, his thoughts churning. He always thought there were no secrets between him and John. But the arrival of “Philip” showed that there very clearly were. What else might John be hiding from him? Why did Philip even exist?

These thoughts made it all the harder for Alex to pretend something was okay, but he managed alright.

“Alex? You alright? You rushed to the doctors as soon as I woke up,” John said, concern clear on his freckled face. Alex relaxed. John was the same as he’d always been, his eyes bright with curiosity but not blank like Philip’s had been, he was standing up tall, and his hair was pulled back up in a tight ponytail, as usual. Alex smiled back at him tiredly. Maybe, just maybe, “Philip” had been a one-time thing.

“You look exhausted,” John added. “You should go back to sleep.” Alex opened his mouth to protest but closed it without saying anything when John have him a stern look. He decided it was best not to be too contumacious around his boyfriend, at least for the time being.

“Okay,” he muttered and walked into the room. John followed him and laid next to him in the bed. He draped an arm along Alex’s chest. Alex snuggled into him, grateful for the warmth. John pecked him on the cheek and he froze up slightly. While he was enjoying spending time with his boyfriend, it just felt weird now that he knew that some part of John apparently thought he was six years old. It made him a bit uncomfortable. It felt almost a bit like pedophilia.

“What’s wrong?” John asked. Alex shook his head and smiled wearily at his boyfriend. 

“Just really exhausted,” he said, dropping his head down on the pillow. Now that he thought about it, he  _ was _ really tired. Sleepless nights and stress were finally catching up to him. John looked a bit unconvinced.

“You? Wanting to rest? That’s odd,” he commented.

“Oh, I’m also upset from that case I have to do, the one I told you about this morning. I’m going to meet with the kids soon and I’ll trying to figure out how to put them at ease,” Alex quickly amended. Well, at least that part was true. John nodded.

“I could come with you, if you want support,” he offered. Alex smiled and closed his eyes.

“Yeah, that would be nice.” Just as he sank into the warm embrace of sleep, Alex heard a voice telling him good night, a voice that made his blood run cold. A voice that he had only heard once before, the previous day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (late) thanksgiving! I didn't celebrate this year but I hope everyone who did had a great time! This chapter has more interactions between Alex and Philip, which I'm not sure I wrote correctly as I don't really know how to write about young kids. Let me know what you think!

Alex sat up groggily. His rest hadn’t been that pleasant, as it almost seemed like his body was trying to wake him up on purpose. Why, Alex didn’t have any idea. Sleeping was a lot better than he remembered. He should do it more often.

He looked around, wondering why John wasn’t lying down next to him when he was the one who was always trying to get Alex to bed with him (with varying degrees of success, depending on what exactly John had planned for the night).

“John?” he called out in a hoarse voice. And then he remembered.

“Philip?” he asked tentatively.

“Over here!” a childish but recognizable voice called. Alex cursed internally (it seemed inappropriate to curse in front of a child or whatever the hell Philip would be classified as) and rushed over to where the voice was coming from. John/Philip was in the room that could technically be counted as his but was never used as he and Alex shared the largest room in the apartment. He just kept his clothes in there. Clothes that included, apparently, items that Alex had never seen.

Philip was sitting on the floor of the room, dressed up in clothes that most kids his supposed age would wear, but in a larger size to fit his frame. He was wearing a light green T-shirt with a turtle on it, carpis with marker stains on them, and colorful socks with no shoes. His hair wasn’t in a ponytail and was constantly falling into his face as he pushed it away impatiently. He was playing with a lego airport set, which Alex didn’t even know John had, and was moving the airplanes through the air, making whooshing sounds as he did so. Alex had to admit it was pretty adorable.

“What are you doing there, Philip?” he asked gently, not entirely sure how to speak to children. Eliza Schuyler, his best friend and ex, would know what to do but he didn’t think it would be wise to reveal what was happening to John to anyone else, even someone as trustworthy and dependable as Eliza. Besides, she was probably too busy to help out now that she was volunteering at an orphanage and dating another one of his other exs, Maria.

Philip looked at him with adoring eyes and Alex couldn’t help but let out a soft coo under his breath. What? His boyfriend was cute. Sue him.

“It’s a plane!” Philip cried gleefully, showing Alex the object in his hand. Alex laughed.

“Yes, I can see that,” he said. “And where is this plane going to go?” Philip was silent for a second, his face scrunched up as his mind raced.

“To Mars!” he announced once had deemed his response adequate enough. Alex laughed.

“That’s a great idea!” Philip beamed, pleased at the praise, and Alex smiled back fondly. He hadn’t been able to do this in a long, long time. He had been forced to grow up too quickly with the death of his mother and cousin, along with the hurricane that devastated his entire town. Those events permanently ruined his brother from engaging in playful banter, and he had no other companions left, which is why he was so glad he now had the Washingtons and John to rely on.

Philip soon lost interest in the game, as so often happened with kids, and he quickly walked towards the family room.

“I wanna watch TV,” he said plainly, plopping down in front of the screen. Alex chuckled and turned it on. Philip was immediately entranced by the colorful cartoons playing, and Alex couldn’t resist but ruffle his hair. He hadn’t had so much fun in a long time. Maybe he was better with kids than he had thought he was.

“Philip,” he said suddenly, struck by a thought. “Do you know who John is?”

“Yes,” Philip responded, still captivated by the screen. Alex was taken back by the answer.

“But you said last time that you didn’t know who he was?” he asked, trying to make sense of what was happening. Philip finally tore his eyes away from the screen and turned to face Alex. His large brown eyes were full of guilt. He was worrying his bottom lip, a sure sign he was worried.

“I’m sorry…” he said softly. “John didn’t wanna talk to you. So I said I didn’t know him.” Alex’s heart melted at the sight. He sometimes forgot he was talking to someone who was essentially a child in a man’s body.

“It’s okay, Philip,” he said reassuringly. “I’m not mad. Let’s just continue watching the show.” Philip smiled and turned back to the show.

About halfway through the show, Philip sat up straighter and began tying his hair with a hair tie that had been on his wrist the entire time. Once he was done, he blinked a couple of times and looked around.

“Alex?” he asked. His voice was now deeper and more serious.

“John?” Alex responded cautiously. He wasn’t sure if John could revert back to his original self that easily.

“Yeah,” John said. He looked and the TV screen and snorted. “Why were we watching a kid’s show?”

“You don’t remember?” Alex questioned. John had said he couldn’t remember what had happened the last time he was Philip, but Alex still wanted to make sure as he hadn’t been paying full attention that day. He stared at John intently, trying to gauge his reaction. John squirmed slightly.

“No, I was a bit tired, sorry,” he said. It wouldn’t be clear to an untrained eye, but Alex was a lawyer and was used to trying to guess if people were lying, so he could tell that John was a bit nervous. He didn’t seem to be lying though, which was odd.

“Okay,” he said, deciding to evaluate that later. For now, he just wanted to spend time with his boyfriend.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for updating a bit later than usual; I finally watched Stranger Things and it's so good that I've been spending a lot of time making art for it. I promise to keep up this fic though- I have sort of an idea of how it's going to end, but I'm always open to ideas/suggestions if anyone has any.  
> Oh! Also! Yourfriendlydeafneighbour said that John sounds like he has DID (Dissociative identity disorder) and while I am by no means qualified to say that he does for sure, it does like what I was going for. Thanks for letting me know!

“I’m heading over to meet the kids for the first time- you want to come with?” Alex called, pulling his coat on.

“Do you think you’ll need me to?” John asked, still in his room.

“Yes, please!” Alex said, still talking loudly (or at least louder than usual) so his boyfriend could hear. His curly head popped out of his room.

“Well, then who am I to refuse?” he grinned. Alex smiled back gratefully. He really appreciated his boyfriend sticking with him during what was sure to be an emotional and heartbreaking meeting. He laced his fingers through John’s and he gave him a comforting squeeze.

As they got closer and closer to the meeting room, Alex could feel John’s pulse getting faster. He gave him a questioning look and John just shook his head and smiled unconvincing. Alex would have pursued it further, but he was too focused on trying to figure out how best to talk to those kids. The cab ride to the building was soon over and John and Alex began walking to the room where the meeting was going to be held. The building wasn’t attention grabbing in any way, so the kids wouldn’t feel uncomfortable about going there and having to discuss the worst part of their lives.

“I think I should wait outside,” John spoke up for the first time since they'd left the house, which was rare for him. He would usually talk almost as much as Alex did, often resulting in them have a playful but expressive discussion on topics ranging from climate change to which breed of dog was the best. It was one of the things Alex loved the most about John.

“Sure,” he responded, trying not to show how worried he was, both about the meeting and what was happening to his boyfriend.

But he didn’t have to worry about the former. Even though the stories the kids told were awful and he felt as though he was going to burst into tears in front of them several times, he preserved fairly well. All-in-all, it had gone much better than he had been expected. All the kids were bright, creative, and curious kids, and he was glad that the terrible things they had faced hadn’t seemed to affected any of them permanently. And he had managed to get plenty of evidence so he was confident he was going to be able to win them the case.

“Just wait here a sec, I’ll be right back,” he said, smiling as all the kids nodded and then went back to eating the pizza he had ordered for them. He took a slice of pizza and walked out of the room, making sure to close the door lightly as some of the kids still got startled with loud, sudden sounds. He walked over to where John was sitting, staring at the ground.

“Hey,” he said softly, as though he was talking to one of the kids. “You okay?” John looked up and Alex was taken back by the amount of anguish and turmoil in John’s eyes, as clear as the stars in the night sky.

“I’m… fine,” John replied carefully. He was running a hand through his hair, and tugging at his ponytail as though he wanted to remove it. He only did that when he was becoming Philip.

Alex tried quickly to think of a topic to divert John from whatever problem was causing him to give up and become Philip, but John started talking before Alex could think of one.

“What were the kids like?” he asked with a wry smile. Alex smiled back genuinely. This was something he could talk about.

“They’re amazing,” he said, full of passion. “They’re so patient and bright, and even though they’ve faced all this they’ve been so resilient and I just know they’re going to grow up to be incredible people and-” He faltered when he was John’s smile become slightly bitter and his eyes a bit sad before he adopted the content and childishly happy look Alex regrettably already knew so well.

“That’s nice!” Philip responded cheerfully.

“Philip, where’s John?” Alex said slowly.

“He’s not here!” Philip responded, talking the plate of pizza from Alex and taking a large bite. Sauce dribbled down his chin and Alex passed him a napkin automatically.

“Why did he go?” Alex wanted to know. Why did John  _ ever _ go? Philip chewed thoughtfully for a moment, his head tilted to the side. He swallowed and then responded.

“Because you were making him sad,” he finally said.

“But  _ why _ ?” Alex asked, determined to get to the bottom of this. Philip shrugged and Alex almost cried in frustration.

“Well, can you get him to come back? Please?” Alex asked, trying to keep calm. Sure, having Philip around wasn’t so bad but they were in public and he had to keep this a secret for as long as possible. Philip closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again.

“Nope,” he announced happily. “John doesn’t wanna talk to you right now.”

“Come on, John, please, I know you’re in there,” Alex said desperately. He checked his watch and realized he’d have to go back to the kids soon, lest they become worried at his disappearance. 

“John’s not here right now,” Philip retorted, sounding like a six year old who wasn’t being taken seriously (which he was, in a way). Alex decided to ignore him and keep trying. He started into John/Philip's brown and gold flecked eyes.

“John. Please. I know you can do it. Just help me, please,” he said. Philip scowled and knocked over the plate of pizza. It crashed to the ground.

“John isn’t here!” he almost screamed into Alex’s face. Alex, though shaken by the reaction, reached out a comforting hand to Philip to try and get him to calm down. It was the wrong thing to do. Philip flinched away and curled up into a ball, his face buried in his hands.

“Please don’t hurt me,” he whispered. Alex froze, trying to process the quick change in reaction.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said softly. “I promise.” Philip lifted his head up slightly and Alex was heartbroken to see that his expression mirrored those of the kids when he first met them, the same look of mistrust and fear across their faces before he had managed to reassure them that he genuinely wanted to help them.

“I’m sorry for trying to force John out,” he continued. “I’ll try not to do it again.” This got Philip to retract from his shell, as he removed his hands from his head and sat up straighter.

“Promise?” he asked, his face starting to regain the naive and happy glow it always seemed to have. It was almost discerning, really, at how quickly his emotions seemed to change. Alex wasn’t sure if all kids did that, having not been around kids enough to know.

“I promise,” Alex responded. Philip beamed and Alex checked his watch again.

“Now, I have to go, but please please stay here until I return, okay?” he practically begged. It was probably not the best idea to leave Philip alone, but John clearly wasn’t coming out (lol) anytime soon and he was sure Philip would be able to stay put for just a few minutes while he wrapped up stuff with the kids. Philip nodded solemnly, but his eyes were still bright with mischief. Alex sighed and headed back to the room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to update a bit early as I won't have much time later this week! Hope you all enjoy this!  
> And on another note, please try and do everything you can to save net neutrality, guys. I live in America and if net neutrality does get repealed, I would probably have to stop writing and posting fanfic which I would completely hate. Thank you.

When he came back, he realized that Philip was still there. He cursed silently. He had been harboring a secret hope that if he just gave Philip some time and space, John would calm down enough to re-emerge. Evidently not.

“Hey, you want to head back home?” he asked. Philip nodded and stood up, clutching Alex’s hand. Alex let him and they walked out of the building, holding hands tightly just the way they had walked in. But the circumstances were so different. The cab ride back was just as silent as the ride to the meeting, Alex being too afraid to broach what he really wanted to discuss with Philip. 

The second they got home, John ran upstairs. He emerged a few moments later wearing childlike clothes, this time a pair of blue overalls that actually really suited him but wasn’t like anything John would wear on a regular basis. He was carrying a stack of papers and a crayon and Alex looked at them, perplexed.

“What are you doing, Philip?” he asked. 

“Writing. I’m a poet,” Philip explained seriously. Just like that, all of Alex’s anxiousness dissipated. He chuckled.

“Oh, really?” Philip nodded enthusiastically. 

“Well, I like writing too,” Alex said. He would often spend too much time writing, one of the biggest things he and John seriously argued about. In all fairness, he  _ had  _ more than once stayed up writing until he passed out from tiredness, so John did have a point. Philip looked at him curiously.

_ “ _ Why do you like writing?” he asked. Alex had to pause and think about it.

“Well, when I still a young, naive child, living on a tiny, poverty-struck island, my family didn’t have much. Writing was the one thing I could do that helped me forget all that, which let me escape from the island to anywhere I wanted to. It was… freeing. And it was writing that helped me escape from the ruins of my old town. It was writing that allowed me to move to America and make a name for myself.” He suddenly shook himself out of his revive to see Philip staring at him in awe. His stomach churned with guilt. He had never even told John this, and now he told his child-like counterpart he  _ barely _ even knew? He waited with bated breath for Philip’s reaction.

“I think you’re a poet as well!” Philip extolled. Alex laughed self-deprecatingly.

“Yeah, my poems are pretty terrible,” he responded. “But I’d love to read yours!” Philip beamed and and tugged Alex by the hand to the living room. He dropped all his papers and crayons onto the floor in the middle of the room with great aplomb.

“We can write together!” he declared.

“Yeah, I’m really sorry Philip, but I have to work…” Alex said tentatively. Philip’s face fell and he pouted, his eyes already filling with tears. Alex sighed.

“Fine, fine,” he muttered. “But only for a minute!” he added once Philip cheered and hugged him.

It was fun. It was maybe the most fun he had ever had, Alex had to admit. Philip  _ was _ a pretty good writer, and was certainly very enthusiastic when it came to reciting his poems. It was also extremely relaxing; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been able to write something just for his own enjoyment and not for his office, and it was an interesting experience to use crayons again for the first time in about twenty years.

“Okay, I’ll admit that this has been fun, but I really have to go now,” Alex announced after a hour had passed. He expected Philip to protest vehemently, which he had been doing every time Alex made to get up, and looked around when he didn’t hear anything.

Philip was hunched over a piece of paper, scribbling something down furiously with a red crayon. Alex peered over his shoulder and looked shocked.

“Philip what- what are you doing?” he asked, dreading the answer. Philip looked up, a flash of guilt quickly sweeping through his face.

“Writing notes,” he answered honestly. “For John.” Alex’s blood ran cold. He groaned and shook his head.

“Okay, John- I mean Philip. Do you know when John will feel like… um, coming out?” He snorted internally at his bad choice in words, but Philip didn’t seem to notice.

“Nope!” he replied in a cheery voice. “But why does it matter? We can have fun without him!”

“Because he’s my boyfriend!” Alex retorted, becoming increasingly frustrated at the conversation. “Why should I prefer you over him?!”

“Well, because today’s the happiest you’ve ever been, and you aren’t even with him,” Philip replied. Alex’s eyes grew wide in shock.

“And you take care of yourself more when you’re with me, you haven’t even touched your work since we got home, and you become less stressed,” Philip continued. Alex felt sick. Did he really prefer this- he didn’t even know _what_ to call Philip- this child over his own boyfriend?

“Okay,” he said suddenly. “Nap time. Go to sleep.” Philip gave him a slightly resentful look, but obediently left the room.  Alex groaned and began collecting the scraps of paper strewn everywhere, trying not to think about the awful truth a six year old had just sprung on him.


	6. Chapter 6

So this is not an update and I apologize for such a hastily written message. But as I’m sure you all have heard, net neutrality has been repealed. This greatly affects me and I sincerely hope all of you will do what you can to help. I’m really sorry about discussing this rather than updating, but this is an imperative issue that has to be resolved. Thanks everyone.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being so dramatic in the last chapter :) Net neutrality is just really important for me and tons of other creators on AO3. Thanks for all the support and encouragement <3\. This chapter isn't as long as I would have liked it to be, but I didn't have much time write it, so apologies for that. Also, I'm not entirely sure how to continue this fic, so I'd love to hear any ideas/suggestions you guys might have!

“John?” Alex whispered, turning over on his side.

“Hm?” John asked sleepily, his eyes still closed. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“You know I love you, right?” Alex asked. That got John's attention. He opened his eyes blearily, blinking sleepily.

“Yeah, I know that. But why did you feel the need to tell me this _now_?” he asked groggily.

“Just wanted to make sure you know,” Alex replied. John raised his head and looked at him.

“Okay…?” he  said, sounding a bit concerned. Alex just smiled at him, pecked him on the cheek, then turned back around in the bed. He wasn’t able to sleep, though, and just stared at the wall across from him.

It had been a week since John had last turned into Philip. Alex was incredibly relieved, as he didn’t want to face John’s counterpart after what had happened last time. He instead focused on his boyfriend, showering him with more love and attention than before, which John accepted, albeit while not understanding why his boyfriend was suddenly being so affectionate.

Alex tried to forget that the real reason he was doing all this was guilt, but that just increased the emotion. He knew he had to somehow make amends with John, but he just didn’t know _how._ He had to figure out how to get rid of Philip as well. Though he enjoyed the kid’s company, it was becoming too much of a liability to have John have the mindset of a young child for extended periods of time.

It turned out to be really hard to find out what was happening to John, though. Alex didn’t want to probe too hard, lest his boyfriend became even more suspicious or worse, turn into the person Alex was trying to solve the mystery of. So he just decided to forget about all of this and hoped things would go back to the way they were if he smothered John with enough love and attention to save an endangered species.

“You don’t have to go to work around Christmas, right?” Alex asked, tracing the freckles on John’s arm absentmindedly as they sat smushed on the couch together. John paused in reading his book and put in a bookmark so he wouldn’t lose his page.

“Yeah, but I was thinking of going anyway, at least for a bit, to see the turtles. We don’t really celebrate Christmas anyway, neither of us are religious, so why are you asking?” he said curiously.

“Just thought we should maybe change that,” Alex muttered. “Though I agree Christmas is a bit of a silly tradition at times, it’s still symbolic and nice for the memories.” John nodded, resting his head against Alex’s.

“Christmas is more of a family thing, though,” he countered. “But I suppose we could still make an effort to get more into the holiday spirit if you want.” Alex stiffened slightly. One of the unspoken rules between them was to never bring up families, but now John had been the one to broach the topic. The familiar guilt he felt the last time he and Philip had talked was rising again.

“Did… did you celebrate Christmas with your family when you were younger?” he ventured. He was in new territory and he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Yeah,” John said, closing his eyes and leaning back on the couch. “It was a really big deal in South Carolina. Our entire extended family would show up and we would all exchange presents and eat a whole bunch.” Alex watched him with a bittersweet smile. He was glad to finally know more about John’s past, but a bit confused as to why John had been so determined to hid it all these years when it didn’t really seem like anything out of the ordinary (not that he would really know, having never had a proper family).

“That sounds nice,” he said. “I wish I could have experienced that.”

“No, believe me,” John replied, his voice too bitter and burdened for someone so young. “Sometimes, it’s better to be alone.” Alex didn’t lift his head from John’s lap, trying to process what John was saying. Did he know something from experience? What did he mean by that? Alex didn’t know how to respond to that cryptic message so he just stayed there, searching for something to say.

He was too late. John opened his eyes slowly after the silence and Alex groaned when he realized it was Philip. Then he realized something.

“Philip,” he said slowly. “Is the reason John turns into you something to do with his family?” He knew his guess was right when Philip immediately looked at the floor, not saying anything, and his heart raced.

“Philip?” he asked again.

“I can’t tell you,” Philip mumbled, still staring at the ground with feigned interest. “It’s a secret.”

“But it can be our secret,” Alex soothed. “Plus, I already told you the secret of my childhood and family, so it’s okay for you to tell me yours.” He felt a bit guilty about conning a child, but he pushed it aside. He was determined to get to the bottom of this.

Philip thought for a moment, worrying his lip.

“Yes,” he finally whispered. “It has to do with his family.” And that was the moment Alex’s heart broke.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for updating a bit later than ususal; I've just been really, really busy with the holiday season and all that. Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates it! I hope all of you have a great day!  
> Side note: I've been wondering for a while... would you mind commenting and letting me know your favorite Hamilton character? I just want to see which characters are the most popular. Thanks!

It all made sense. The way John turned into Philip when Alex was meeting with kids who all had  _ very _ extreme family issues, how he seemed nervous whenever Alex broached the topic of families, and… and that day! The first time John turned to Philip in front of him was when Alex had mentioned his new law case, the one involving the abused children!

Alex had to sit down, his thoughts swirling to fast for him to process. All the puzzle pieces suddenly fit together perfectly. Well, all except one.

“Ph-philip,” he stuttered, but continued, determined to figure this out. “What exactly happened to John?”

Philip's face suddenly turned wary and withdrawn, which was unnerving to see replace his usually jovial expression. 

“He told me not to tell anyone,” he replied fearfully. “He’ll hurt me if I tell anyone.” Alex stared at him in shock. Why would John hurt himself? Then he realized that Philip was talking about someone else and his fist curled in anger. He couldn’t believe that someone had threatened John when he was just a child. That person was going to regret ever messing with his boyfriend. 

Philip saw his fist and whimpered, backing away. Alex made an effort to soften his gaze though he could still feel his anger coursing through him, and tried to speaking reassuringly.

“Philip, please,” he said softly. “You can trust me.” Philip shook his head, tears streaming down his face now, and turned around and fled. Alex was shocked still for a moment before running after him.

“Shit, shit shit,” he muttered when he reached the front door and saw it was open. He looked out but couldn’t see Philip anywhere.

He headed back inside and paced around the living room, trying his best (and failing) not to freak out. Oh god. Oh god. What should he do?! He was definitely not qualified to handle a situation like this.

Alex took a few deep, panicked breaths to try and calm down. Freaking out wasn’t going to help anyone and, as scary as it was, he had to be the responsible adult here (literally, as Philip couldn’t qualify as an adult). Okay. He just need to think. Where could John be?

Suddenly he knew. There  _ was _ only one place that John would feel safe enough to go to, no matter what, and he just hoped and prayed that Philip had retained that instinct from his other half. He grabbed his keys and hurried out of the house as fast as he could, hoping he was right and that he’d make it on time.

The ride there was tense and quiet as Alex drummed his fingers on the wheel impatiently and nearly broke several speed limits in his haste. The car skidded to a stop outside the building and he rushed out, nearly tripping but catching himself on time.

He was afraid he wasn’t going to be allowed in, but the few people there seemed to recognize him, apparently from the numerous photos John had put up of him and how much John constantly talked about him. Alex’s heart swelled with the information, but there were more pressing matters at hand.

“Do you know if John came by here?” he asked.

“Yeah, he just came by a few minutes ago. He seemed a bit distressed, but we didn’t want to pry. He’s in a room down the hall, to the left,” the woman replied. Alex thanked her and walked as quickly as possible to the room. He opened the door softly and closed it behind him before facing out.

Philip was standing hunched over an aquarium, watching a group of turtles swim by. Alex knew whenever John was feeling particularly down, he would head over to the marine lab where he worked and spend time with the animals for a little time. It had been a sacred spot that even Alex never intruded on. Until now.

“Did you know turtles never come out of their shell?” came a soft voice. “It just grows with them, so they never outgrow it.” Alex tensed.

“Philip?” he asked.

“No,” John said, with his back still to Alex, gazing at the turtles as though he wished he would swim away from his problems with them. He finally turned around and Alex’s heart broke at the tears in his sad, despondent eyes. “It’s me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for ending it at a cliffhanger; I'll try and update sooner than usual! I promise the next chapter will resolve some of the problems present in the story.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, please comment or leave kudos if you're enjoying the story so far! I'm planning on uploading the last chapter of this fic tomorrow, so feel free to yell at me if I forget. Warnings for the chapter: some swearing and a few homophobic slurs (apologies in advance).

“John…” Alex stuttered. “John, are you okay?” John laughed bitterly.

“Yeah, I am. I’m okay.”

“But not better than that?” Alex ventured. John looked down and stared at the floor.

“No,” he whispered. Alex walked over and hugged him tightly. John melted into the touch and hugged Alex back as though starving for affection. Alex let go after a few minutes but John clinged on for a little longer as though he didn’t want to let go of the comforting warmth. Alex gently pried him away, his heart still aching for the cause of his boyfriend’s behavior.

“John,” he said softly. “John, you have to tell me what’s wrong, please. Please, John, I’m here for you.” John heaved a sad laugh.

“I know you are,” he replied quietly. “It still amazes me that you’re still here for me. It’s the longest anyone’s ever been with me, you know. And I’m just… just so fucking terrified that you’ll leave me if you hear my problems.” Alex took his hand and squeezed it.

“I’m not going to leave you,” he promised. “You’re going to be stuck with me for a long, long time.” John cracked a slight smile at that.

“Plus, you’re the person I’ve stayed with the longest too,” he added. “I sort of know how you feel.” John was silent for a moment.

“I know,” he said. “Philip told me.”

“Wait, you knew everything Philip told you?” Alex asked, confused. Then it dawned on him.

“That’s why Philip told me off about caring more for him than you,” he muttered, his guilty feeling returning tenfold.

“Yeah, I guess my insecurities rubbed off on him,” John said with a self-deprecating laugh.

“But why is he even there?” Alex pried. Might as well reveal  _ all _ their secrets into the open once they’d started. “What happened with your family?”

John looked down and took a deep breath.

“It- it first started when I was about six,” he started in a hushed voice, as though he was afraid someone apart from Alex would hear. Alex mentally noted that the age he had mentioned was the same age Philip claimed to be.

“I mentioned that one of the boys in my class was pretty,” John continued, Alex gently stroking his hand in encouragement. “My dad-” the word was said as though there was a bitter taste in his mouth- “took me to my room and yelled at me for an hour on how those “fags would corrupt” me. The beatings started when I was ten.” Alex couldn’t resist a horrified gasp when he heard that. He put his arm around John’s shoulder and pulled him close.

“He kicked me out of the house when I was sixteen, after he caught me kissing a boy. I was just relieved he didn’t do anything worse,” John said, his voice a bit muffled as his head was pressed against Alex’s shoulder. Alex hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you for telling me,” he said in a soft voice. “I’m so sorry I never knew this and wasn’t able to be there for you. And if you doubt, even for a second, that I’m not going to be there for you, come and let me know so I can fix that, okay?” John snuffled and nodded as Alex began stroking his hair comfortingly.

“Is that why Philip arrives?” Alex asked. “He’s the child you wish you could have been?”

John shifted. “More like…” he paused. “It’s more like I get transported back to my childhood self whenever something happens that reminds me of… of that day it all started. But yeah, it’s sort of like that. I wish I could have that innocence and curiosity that children should have, and Philip is my way of getting to experience that, even if it wasn’t really me.” Alex nodded, remembering how almost unnervingly happy and enthusiastic Philip always seemed.

“I’m sorry you had to face all that,” he whispered into John’s curly hair. “And I’m sorry I didn’t figure this out earlier.” John made a noise of protest but Alex just kissed the top of his head and continued speaking. 

“In the future, let’s promise to be more open about this stuff, okay?” Alex pleaded. “We’ve been together for a really long time, and have know each other for even longer, so it just seems a bit ridiculous to have all these taboo topics we can’t even discuss with each other.”

“Communication  _ is _ the key to a healthy relationship,” John murmured. “It was something I think Laf told me when I was first freaking out about asking you out,” he explained when Alex looked at him, confused. 

“Hey,  _ I  _ was the one who asked you out!” Alex proclaimed in mock anger. John laughed and Alex couldn’t hold his expression and smiled back, relieved at his reaction. 

“I seem to remember differently, but whatever you want to think,” he replied. “What’s important is that we’re together.” Alex smiled softly in agreement, still reeling from how lucky he was. John and him had faced tougher situations than this, and they would get through this. Together.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year's Eve! Here's to new beginnings :) This chapter is going to be sort of like an epilogue to wrap up the story, so this is going to be my last update. A few of you have asked me about this, but there's not going to be any more Philip, sorry... I know a lot of you like him, and I do too, but he's just sort of like a subset of John in this fic so unfortunately, for John to get better, Philip has to show up less. Thank you so much for sticking till the end of the fic; you all have honestly been the best readers a person could ever ask for. Thank you.

**One Year Later**

“Okay, but we can both agree that I was the one who proposed to you, right?!” Alex exclaimed. John snorted.

“Yeah, right. As though you weren’t freaking out on our wedding day,” he replied.

“You were too!” Alex protested, though he couldn’t stop the smile on his face.

“Ah-hem.” They turned around at the sound and saw Eliza standing there, her hands on her hips. “You wanted to tell me something?” she said, sounding amused.

“Oh yeah,” John responded, sounding sheepish. “We’re-”

“We’re adopting a child!” Alex blurted out. “Sorry,” he muttered when John turned to glare at him.

“Seriously? You couldn’t let me announce this one thing?” John asked in mock anger.

“I need my moment of glory though!” Alex shot back. “I wasn’t the one to ask you to marry me, so it’s only fair that I’d be able to tell everyone this!”

“So you _do_ admit I was the one to propose!” John crowed. Eliza coughed pointedly and they stopped arguing to look at her.

“I almost feel sorry for the child,” she laughed. “Though they’re going to grow up with the most amazing dads in the world.”

“I thought that was Washington,” Alex muttered as John smiled and gave her a hug. “Thanks, Eliza.”

“So!” she said brightly, clapping her hands together. “What are you planning on naming them?”

Alex and John exchanged glances, John raising his eyebrow.

“We haven’t decided yet,” he admitted. Alex gave him a mischievous smile.

“I don’t know, I kind of like the name Philip,” he responded. He waited with bated breath for John's reply, but he just laughed and pushed him lightly.

John had finally accepted help to get better, and it had been over two months since Philip had last showed. Alex was so proud of John, even though he knew it wasn’t completely over- John still flinched at the sound of loud noises and people yelling, and would sometimes relapse into Philip at times of great stress, but Alex knew how hard he was working and was sure everything was going to be okay. In any case, he was glad that John was comfortable enough for him to tease him about it.

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” John responded. “But I kind of like the name Frances.”

“Whatever you want,” Alex responded with a loving smile. He pretended not to see Eliza roll her eyes fondly in the corner and hugged his husband. It was true. He would do anything he could to see John as happy as he was in the moment now, animatedly talking about the preparations needed to be done for the child. And he knew, no matter whatever challenges they’d undoubtedly face in the future, they’d be okay, because they had each other. And that was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to check out nackledamia's fic here !


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